First time sex tips: How to make your first time pleasurable and painless
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Created with Nataliia Yermolovych, MD, Obstetrician-Gynecologist
You may feel a slight discomfort when you have sex for the first time, both mental and physical. However, you can minimize pain and discomfort and enhance pleasure with open communication during the entire process, foreplay, using lubrication, and starting slow.
Did you know that following a few first-time sex tips can enhance pleasure and make your first experience more enjoyable by minimizing pain?
It’s normal to feel anxious and nervous when it’s your first time having sex, because you haven’t done it before and don’t know how things will go.
But, by preparing and communicating a few things beforehand with your partner and taking things gradually, your first time can become a pleasurable and fascinating experience.
If you are anxious and looking for tips on how to have sex for the first time with minimal pain or discomfort, we have got you covered.
How to set expectations
You might agree that preemptive communication can prepare your mind and make things easier when you have to do even something small with another person, be it a partner, friend, siblings, colleague, or relative.
For example, imagine going out for dinner with your partner when you both have different likes, and you haven’t decided on the restaurant before leaving the house. The chances of getting into an argument or a bad mood may increase in this case.
But, how about if you reach a mutual decision that is comfortable and enjoyable for both of you before even leaving your house? Wouldn’t it increase your fun and enjoyment of the evening? Moreover, isn’t it relaxing to know you both care about each other’s likes and preferences?
Similarly, open and honest communication with your partner about both of your feelings, expectations, concerns, and boundaries before sex is incredibly important and can make your time much more enjoyable.
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Share everything you feel with your partner. For example, you can tell them that you want to have sex, but you are worried about pain or uncomfortable about something. It will help your partner know your concerns, so they can perform every step carefully after obtaining your consent.
It is important that both of you are enthusiastic before proceeding with sex. You can make yourself comfortable and relaxed with various pleasure-stimulating things, like a candlelight dinner, a romantic movie, cuddles, forehead kisses, holding hands, and warm hugs.
If any part of you still feels that you aren’t ready, it’s not necessary to be hard on yourself or start forcefully. Give yourself time, and start when you are mentally prepared and would like to enjoy the experience.
You should only have sex when both you and your partner feel comfortable and ready. If either of you says no, the other person should stop and avoid pressuring them. If they say yes, then you can proceed.
Remember that neither you nor your partner can’t give consent if you are drunk or have done drugs, so avoid having sex at that time.
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Tips for your first time
Do you know the most pleasurable and easiest way to have sexual intercourse is when you are sexually aroused?
Remember that sex is the goal, but it’s the entire process that counts to get there.
It’s everything from a warm greeting and hug as you meet, respecting your partner’s concerns and boundaries, comforting each other with romantic and casual talks, cuddles, kisses, and more.
To enhance sexual arousal and make your sex more pleasurable, here are some step-by-step practical tips on how to have sex for the first time:
1. Relaxation
The number one tip for first time sex is to relax yourself with comforting and intimate things.
Start by creating a comfortable environment. For example, you can choose to put dimmed, glowy LED lights where you plan to have sex, and turn on warm, calming, and romantic music.
Moreover, you can have a warm bath or romantic talks with each other before you proceed. Tell your partner how much you love them or admire each other’s beauty.
You can also eat some sweets or junk food together to make the moment even more fun, casual, and relaxed.
2. Foreplay
After some romantic moments and quality time with your partner in a relaxed and comfortable environment with open communication, the second step is foreplay.
Any sexual activity you engage in before having intercourse is termed foreplay.
For example, you can start foreplay by slowly touching each other or holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or giving warm hugs and making your partner feel loved, valuable, and cared for.
Foreplay improves lubrication and blood flow to your genitals and prepares your body for intercourse by enhancing sexual stimulation and increasing your pulse and heart rate.
Enhanced sexual stimulation and arousal helps minimize pain and discomfort during intercourse by increasing natural lubrication.
3. Lubrication
The third and most important step before you start intercourse is to use a water-based lubricant to reduce friction, discomfort, and irritation. A lubricant will make vaginal penetration easy and comfortable and help minimize pain.
Does sex hurt the first time, and how do you minimize pain?
Slight discomfort or pain is normal when you have sex for the first time due to stretching of your vaginal tissues or breaking of the hymen.
Many people think that the hymen only breaks when you have penetrative sex for the first time, but that’s not always the case. The hymen can also break before sex from everyday activities like exercise, physical exertion, or if anything is inserted into the vagina, for example a tampon..
There is also an assumption that hymen entirely covers the opening of the vagina, but if that was the case, it wouldn’t allow menstrual blood to pass out. When born, our hymen may be more prominent, as it hasn’t worn out yet. However, little by little as we grow, the hymen breaks off because of day-to-day activities.
So, does sex hurt the first time, and how can you minimize the pain? Apart from slight discomfort, everybody’s sexual experience can be different, and the pain during sex is minimizable with proper lubrication, foreplay, and open communication with your partner.
Moreover, you can reduce pain by asking your partner to insert and penetrate gradually and slowly during sexual intercourse. Keep in mind that your vagina is a flexible, muscular organ and has the tendency to stretch to fit a penis, sex toy, or finger inside.
Consider your vagina as a muscle. While it may be difficult to stretch a lot all at once, if you do it gradually and in small increments, you’ll be able to do it with minimal pain and discomfort. This is exactly what happens when inserting something larger than the natural opening of your vagina.
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How to make your first time not hurt?
In addition to lubrication and foreplay, the three most important tips for making your first time not hurt include:
1. Take it slow
Taking things slowly during sex not only helps minimize pain by improving lubrication, sexual stimulation, and arousal but also increases your time for sexual pleasure.
Orgasm in sex lasts for an average of 10 to 50 seconds. But, if you take things slowly, you will be able to feel sexual pleasure of foreplay and penetration for a more extended period of time even before having an orgasm.
2. Pick the best position for first time
Generally, the best position for the first time varies for each individual and is where you are most comfortable. But, the two positions that offer better control of speed and depth during sexual penetration include:
Missionary
Missionary, or vaginal sex position, is a good starting point as it includes contact with your outer genitals.Your genitals are the main area in which you will feel sexual pleasure. That’s why missionary is a great position to enjoy and feel aroused, especially when it’s your first time.
In addition, it gives better control over insertion and penetration. You will be able to reduce the speed of penetration when you feel pain.
Woman on top
Woman on top is another great position for first time sex, as it gives the female control and helps them feel more secure and comfortable.
Moreover, this position allows an easy exit for women without relying on their partners if they feel too much pain or discomfort.
3. Listen to your body
If you feel intolerable or excessive pain or discomfort during sex, relax, and don’t force yourself to proceed further. It’s natural for your body to require some time to get used to sexual activities.
It is crucial to pay attention and listen to your body when it gives you signals to stop at any point where it becomes painful.
Listening to your body and stopping sex when it gives you signals of excessive discomfort helps prevent injuries like bruising, tears, or damage to vaginal tissues.
Moreover, pushing yourself to have sex despite pain and discomfort may also impact your desire for sex in the future. That’s why it is best to experience sex as an enjoyable activity, stopping and proceeding gradually when there is any discomfort. This way, the excitement and desire of sex will remain in the future, too.
Contraception and protection
The cervix of young females may be more susceptible to infections, as it is in an immature state or being exposed for the first time to sex.
Using protection during sex, like condoms, not only helps prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and infections but also reduces the risk of unintended pregnancy.
Always check the expiration date of condoms before using them, and opt for water-based lubricant to prevent breakage during intercourse.
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How to use a condom: Step-by-step instructions
Here are the step-by-step instructions on how to use a condom:
Step 1: With clean hands, carefully open and remove the wrapper from the condom.
Step 2: Start by wearing the condom on the head of the erect penis.
Step 3: Gently squeeze the tip of the condom to pinch the air out.
Step 4: Unroll and stretch the condom to the bottom of the penis.
Step 5: To remove the condom after intercourse, hold the penis from the base and pull it out while keeping the condom in place.
Step 6: Throw the condom in the trash, and don’t reuse it. Moreover, avoid using more than one condom at a time.
Aftercare
After sex, try practicing some aftercare with your partner. Aftercare will boost physical and mental relaxation, reduce anxiousness, and provide reassurance that you are valuable to your partner apart from your physical needs.
For example, in aftercare, you can engage in cuddling, forehead kisses, massaging, or do warm compresses on your pelvic and abdominal area to soothe any physical discomfort.
Warm compresses promote relaxation, help with muscular spasms and cramps, and dilate blood vessels, which helps improve blood flow and reduce any inflammation or swelling in the genitals or pelvic area.
With that, communicate and express every moment you enjoyed while having sex with your partner, and reassure them how much you love them. Moreover, you can also ask each other if anything was discomforting or should be avoided for the next time.
Questions from the Femia community
How long should foreplay last?
Foreplay can last as long as you want. If you are enjoying foreplay with your partner and want to do more, you can do it until you physically and mentally feel the need to proceed to sexual intercourse. Foreplay should last until both partners feel comfortable and aroused enough to proceed. There are no defined specifications or time limits.
Is bleeding normal during first-time sex?
Bleeding doesn’t always happen during first-time sex, because the type and elasticity of the hymen can vary. But, light bleeding is normal and commonly occurs if the hymen breaks. However, excessive bleeding is not normal during first-time sex. If you experience excessive bleeding during sexual intercourse, consult your healthcare provider.
What should I do if I feel too nervous?
Express your feelings to your partner, take things slowly, and engage in activities that make you relax before starting sex. For example, open communication about your concerns, have fun or romantic talks, watch a romantic movie together, and share warm hugs. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Remember that it's okay to stop, even just for a little while, if you feel any discomfort, uneasiness, or pain.
How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
When you are comfortable and sexually aroused with your partner and physically and mentally feel the need for genital stimulation, you may be ready for sex.
Will I have an orgasm?
You won’t necessarily have an orgasm when you have sex for the first time, and that’s perfectly normal. It may be because you are unaware of your body's sexual stimulation points and need time to know your body and your partner. However, sex without orgasm can still be enjoyable and intimate, so there is nothing to worry about.
The bottom line
A positive and pleasurable sexual experience requires consent and relaxation from both partners. If you feel nervous, remind yourself that you have the option to stop any time you face discomfort or uneasiness.
Foreplay and open communication with your partner during the entire process, along with making efforts to understand each other’s concerns or boundaries, are the key elements of a positive sexual experience.
Remember, it’s not important to rush everything all at once, especially when it’s your first time. Taking things gradually will help build an emotional and physical connection with your partner and make your sex even more intimate.
References
- “Women’s Sexual Health: Talking About Your Sexual Needs.” Mayo Clinic, 19 Jan. 2024, www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/in-depth/womens-sexual-health/art-20047771.
- Professional, Cleveland Clinic Medical. “Vagina.” Cleveland Clinic, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22469-vagina.
- Denney, Nancy Wadsworth, et al. “Sex Differences in Sexual Needs and Desires.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, vol. 13, no. 3, June 1984, pp. 233–45. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf01541650.
- Institute for Quality and Efficiency in Health Care (IQWiG). “Overview: Premature Ejaculation.” InformedHealth.org – NCBI Bookshelf, 23 Sept. 2022, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK547548/#:~:text=That%20depends%20on%20many%20factors,to%20over%20half%20an%20hour.
- “Protection at first sexual intercourse among adolescent girls and young women in Kenya.” NCBI, 27 July 2020, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8024200.
- “How to Use a Condom.” Condom Use, 3 Apr. 2024, www.cdc.gov/condom-use/resources/external.html.
- “RAINN: The Nation’s Largest Anti-Sexual Violence Organization.” RAINN, www.rainn.org/.
- Professional, Cleveland Clinic Medical. “Hymen.” Cleveland Clinic, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22718-hymen.
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