First time sex tips: How to make your first time pleasurable and painless

A couple facing each other during the first time having sex.
  • Updated Jan 17, 2025
  • Published

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Created with Nataliia Yermolovych, MD, Obstetrician-Gynecologist

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In a nutshell

You may feel a slight discomfort when you have sex for the first time, both mental and physical. However, you can minimize pain and discomfort and enhance pleasure with open communication during the entire process, foreplay, using lubrication, and starting slow.

Did you know that following a few first-time sex tips can enhance pleasure and make your first experience more enjoyable by minimizing pain?

It’s normal to feel anxious and nervous when it’s your first time having sex, because you haven’t done it before and don’t know how things will go. But, by preparing and communicating a few things beforehand with your partner and taking things gradually, your first time can become a pleasurable and fascinating experience. 

If you are anxious and looking for tips for first-time sex with minimal pain or discomfort and first-time sex position, we have got you covered.

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What does losing virginity mean?

The concept of “losing virginity” typically refers to the first experience of sexual intercourse. Medically, it is often associated with the penetration of the vagina by the penis. However, the idea that virginity is marked by the breaking of the hymen is a misconception. The hymen is a thin, flexible membrane that partially covers the opening of the vagina, but it can naturally stretch or tear due to various activities such as sports, tampon use, or other forms of physical activity, not just sexual intercourse. Therefore, the presence or absence of an intact hymen is not a definitive indicator of whether a person has had sex.

It’s important to note that there is no medical or scientific definition of virginity; it is largely a cultural and social concept. The experience of sexual intercourse and the meaning of “losing virginity” can vary greatly among individuals and cultures, and it does not necessarily carry a specific biological significance.

When should you have sex for the first time?

When deciding when to have sex for the first time, it’s important to consider both emotional and physical readiness. There is no specific “right time,” but being informed and prepared can help ensure a positive experience. Here are some key factors to consider:

1. Emotional readiness

  • Comfort and consent: Ensure that both partners feel emotionally prepared and comfortable with the decision. Consent is a critical factor in any sexual activity.
  • Mutual respect: It’s important to engage in sex when you have mutual respect, trust, and communication with your partner.
  • Confidence: Feeling confident and at ease with yourself can help you navigate the experience more comfortably.

2. Physical readiness

  • Body awareness: Understand your body and any changes it’s going through. Physical readiness includes knowing what to expect and being prepared for the possible physical sensations and consequences.
  • Protection and birth control: It’s essential to use contraception to prevent unintended pregnancies and protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Consider options such as condoms, birth control pills, or other methods. Discuss the best choice with a healthcare provider.
  • Health status: Make sure both partners are healthy and aware of each other’s sexual health. If you have concerns about STIs or any medical conditions, it’s a good idea to talk to a healthcare professional beforehand.

3. Relationship stability

  • Long-term commitment: Consider the stability of your relationship. Being in a stable relationship with open communication can make the experience more comfortable.
  • Respecting boundaries: Make sure that both partners understand and respect each other’s boundaries and feelings regarding sex.

4. Mutual desire

  • Shared decision: Both partners should have a mutual desire to engage in sexual activity. It should be something that feels right for both individuals, and not something you feel pressured into.
  • No rush: There’s no need to rush into sex. It’s important to take your time and wait until you feel ready, emotionally and physically.

Talk to your partner—communication is a key

You might agree that preemptive communication can prepare your mind and make things easier when you have to do even something small with another person, be it a partner, friend, siblings, colleague, or relative.

How about if you reach a mutual decision that is comfortable and enjoyable for both of you? Wouldn’t it increase your fun and enjoyment of the evening? Moreover, isn’t it relaxing to know you both care about each other’s likes and preferences? Let’s find out how to reach that,

Importance of preemptive communication

  • Prepare together: Communication before engaging in any intimate activity helps reduce potential stress or misunderstandings. Just like making plans with a partner, talking about sex beforehand can make the experience more enjoyable.
  • Example: If you and your partner have different tastes in restaurants and don’t decide ahead of time, it can lead to frustration. The same goes for sex—discussing likes, dislikes, and comfort levels beforehand sets the stage for a more positive experience.

How to apply communication to sex

  • Express your concerns: Before sex, share any feelings, worries, or discomforts with your partner. For instance, if you’re concerned about pain or not sure about certain things, let them know. This can guide them in creating a more comfortable experience for you both.
  • Get comfortable: Build a positive, relaxed atmosphere before engaging in sex. Small gestures, like a romantic dinner, gentle cuddles, or holding hands, can help ease any tension or nerves.

Consent: The foundation of a healthy experience

  • Mutual agreement: Consent is crucial. Both you and your partner should enthusiastically agree before proceeding. If one partner says no, the other should respect that decision immediately.
  • Respect roundaries: Never push your partner into sex if they are uncomfortable. Communication and mutual respect are essential.
  • Avoid pressure: It’s important to only have sex when both partners feel truly ready, free from pressure or external influences like alcohol or drugs.

👉Find out more: Is it safe to have sex while on your period? Everything you need to know

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Tips for first time sex

Do you know the most pleasurable and easiest way to have sexual intercourse is when you are sexually aroused? 

Remember that sex is the goal, but it’s the entire process that counts to get there. 

It’s everything from a warm greeting and hug as you meet, respecting your partner’s concerns and boundaries, comforting each other with romantic and casual talks, cuddles, kisses, and more.

To enhance sexual arousal and make your sex more pleasurable, here are some step-by-step practical tips on how to have sex for the first time:

1. Cozy location

Start by creating a comfortable environment. For example, you can choose to put dimmed, glowy LED lights where you plan to have sex, and turn on warm, calming, and romantic music. 

2. Relaxation

You can have romantic talks with each other before you proceed. Tell your partner how much you love them or admire each other’s beauty.

You can also eat some sweets or junk food together to make the moment even more fun, casual, and relaxed.

3. Foreplay

After some romantic moments and quality time with your partner in a relaxed and comfortable environment with open communication, the second step is foreplay. 

Any sexual activity you engage in before having intercourse is termed foreplay. For example, you can start foreplay by slowly touching each other or holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or giving warm hugs and making your partner feel loved, valuable, and cared for. 

Foreplay improves lubrication and blood flow to your genitals and prepares your body for intercourse by enhancing sexual stimulation and increasing your pulse and heart rate. 

Enhanced sexual stimulation like clitoral stimulation (crucial for female orgasm)and arousal helps minimize pain and discomfort during intercourse by increasing natural lubrication.

4. Choosing the right contraception

Choosing the right contraception is an essential part of ensuring a healthy and stress-free sexual experience, especially when you’re not ready to have children. Here’s what you should consider:

  • Understand your options: There are various contraceptive methods available, including hormonal options (birth control pills, patches, injections), barrier methods (condoms, diaphragms), IUDs (intrauterine devices), and natural methods (fertility tracking). Each method has its pros and cons, so it’s important to explore what works best for you and your partner.

  • Consult a healthcare provider: Consulting a doctor or gynecologist will help you choose a method that aligns with your health needs and lifestyle. They can also explain the effectiveness, potential side effects, and the best time to start using contraception.

  • Consider long-term needs: If you’re looking for long-term contraception, methods like the IUD or implants might be a good choice. For those looking for short-term use or flexibility, birth control pills or condoms may be preferable.

  • Don’t forget emergency contraception: It’s important to understand how emergency contraception (Plan B, Ella) works in case of contraceptive failure or unprotected sex.

  • Consistency is key: Remember that for contraception to be effective, it must be used consistently and correctly. Even small lapses in use can lead to unintended pregnancies, so choose a method that suits your lifestyle and will be easy to stick with.

By selecting the right contraception, you ensure both your physical health and your peace of mind in your sexual relationships.

5. Lubrication

The third and most important step before you start intercourse is to use a water-based lubricant to reduce friction, discomfort, and irritation. A lubricant will make vaginal penetration easy and comfortable and help minimize pain.

6. Slowly and tenderly

When it comes to your first sexual experience, or any sexual experience, taking it slow and being tender is crucial for both emotional and physical comfort. Here’s why:

  • Start at your own pace: There’s no rush. Move forward only when you feel ready. Whether it’s your first time or not, slow movements and tenderness will help you feel more comfortable and allow you to connect with your partner at a deeper level.

  • Gentle touching: Communication is key in making sure that both partners feel comfortable. Gentle, slow touches can help ease any tension and allow both you and your partner to adjust to the experience.

  • Building trust: Taking things slowly helps build trust, which is crucial for a positive and respectful experience. It ensures that both parties feel safe and secure, and it allows you to truly enjoy the moment together.

Remember, sexual intimacy is a personal experience, and there’s no timeline for how it should happen. It’s about shared enjoyment and mutual respect. Take your time and enjoy the journey.

7. Listen to your body

One of the most important aspects of sexual intimacy is listening to your body. Here’s how being attuned to your body can make the experience more enjoyable:

  • Recognize your comfort levels: If at any point something doesn’t feel right, it’s essential to communicate that to your partner. Whether it’s physical discomfort, emotional uncertainty, or needing a break, listening to your body helps ensure that you’re not pushing yourself past your comfort zone.

  • Pacing and adjusting: If something feels good, continue at your pace. If you feel discomfort, make adjustments. Your body will tell you what it needs — whether it’s more relaxation, a change in position, or just taking a pause.

  • Pay attention to emotional cues: Your body can also signal emotional responses like nervousness, anxiety, or excitement. Recognizing these feelings and sharing them with your partner can help ease any tensions and allow you both to enjoy the experience more fully.

In any sexual experience, your body is the best guide. When you listen to it, you’ll know what feels right and when to pause or continue, ensuring a fulfilling and respectful encounter for both you and your partner.

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Does sex hurt the first time, and how do you minimize pain?

Slight discomfort or pain is normal when you have sex for the first time due to stretching of your vaginal tissues or breaking of the hymen. 

Many people think that the hymen only breaks when you have penetrative sex for the first time, but that’s not always the case. The hymen can also break before sex from everyday activities like exercise, physical exertion, or if anything is inserted into the vagina, for example a tampon..

There is also an assumption that hymen entirely covers the opening of the vagina, but if that was the case, it wouldn’t allow menstrual blood to pass out. When born, our hymen may be more prominent, as it hasn’t worn out yet. However, little by little as we grow, the hymen breaks off because of day-to-day activities. 

So, does sex hurt the first time, and how can you minimize the pain? Apart from slight discomfort, everybody’s sexual experience can be different, and the pain during sex is minimizable with proper lubrication, foreplay, and open communication with your partner. 

Moreover, you can reduce pain by asking your partner to insert and penetrate gradually and slowly during sexual intercourse. Keep in mind that your vagina is a flexible, muscular organ and has the tendency to stretch to fit a penis, sex toy, or finger inside. 

Consider your vagina as a muscle. While it may be difficult to stretch a lot all at once, if you do it gradually and in small increments, you’ll be able to do it with minimal pain and discomfort. This is exactly what happens when inserting something larger than the natural opening of your vagina.

👉Find out more: Does period sex make you more attached? Exploring the emotional and spiritual aspects

Best sex position for the first-time sex

Generally, first time sex position varies for each individual and is where you are most comfortable. But, the two positions that offer better control of speed and depth during sexual penetration include:

1. Missionary

Missionary, or vaginal sex position, is a good starting point as it includes contact with your outer genitals.Your genitals are the main area in which you will feel sexual pleasure. That’s why missionary is a great position to enjoy and feel aroused, especially when it’s your first time.

In addition, it gives better control over insertion and penetration. You will be able to reduce the speed of penetration when you feel pain.

An illustration of a couple in the missionary position.

2. Woman on top (cowgirl)

Woman on top is another great position for first time sex, as it gives the female control and helps them feel more secure and comfortable. 

Moreover, this position allows an easy exit for women without relying on their partners if they feel too much pain or discomfort.

3. Side-by-side position

In the side-by-side position, both partners lie on their sides facing each other. This position is comfortable and intimate, allowing for easy communication and less strain on the body. It’s a great choice for those who want a slower, more relaxed pace during their first time.

4. Spooning

Spooning involves both partners lying on their sides with the man behind the woman. This position is comfortable and cozy, offering closeness while being gentle on the body. It allows for intimate contact and provides the woman with a sense of security, making it ideal for first-time sex.

Contraception and protection

The cervix of young females may be more susceptible to infections, as it is in an immature state or being exposed for the first time to sex.

Using protection during sex, like condoms, not only helps prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and infections but also reduces the risk of unintended pregnancy. 

Always check the expiration date of condoms before using them, and opt for water-based lubricant to prevent breakage during intercourse.

How to use a condom: Step-by-step instructions

Here are the step-by-step instructions on how to use a condom:

Step 1: With clean hands, carefully open and remove the wrapper from the condom. 

Step 2: Start by wearing the condom on the head of the erect penis. 

Step 3: Gently squeeze the tip of the condom to pinch the air out.

Step 4: Unroll and stretch the condom to the bottom of the penis.

Step 5: To remove the condom after intercourse, hold the penis from the base and pull it out while keeping the condom in place.

Step 6: Throw the condom in the trash, and don’t reuse it. Moreover, avoid using more than one condom at a time.

Aftercare

After sex, try practicing some aftercare with your partner. Aftercare will boost physical and mental relaxation, reduce anxiousness, and provide reassurance that you are valuable to your partner apart from your physical needs. 

For example, in aftercare, you can engage in cuddling, forehead kisses, massaging, or do warm compresses on your pelvic and abdominal area to soothe any physical discomfort. 

Warm compresses promote relaxation, help with muscular spasms and cramps, and dilate blood vessels, which helps improve blood flow and reduce any inflammation or swelling in the genitals or pelvic area.

With that, communicate and express every moment you enjoyed while having sex with your partner, and reassure them how much you love them. Moreover, you can also ask each other if anything was discomforting or should be avoided for the next time.

Questions from the Femia community

  • How long should foreplay last?

    Foreplay can last as long as you want. If you are enjoying foreplay with your partner and want to do more, you can do it until you physically and mentally feel the need to proceed to sexual intercourse. Foreplay should last until both partners feel comfortable and aroused enough to proceed. There are no defined specifications or time limits.

  • Is bleeding normal during first-time sex?

    Bleeding doesn’t always happen during first-time sex, because the type and elasticity of the hymen can vary. But, light bleeding is normal and commonly occurs if the hymen breaks. However, excessive bleeding is not normal during first-time sex. If you experience excessive bleeding during sexual intercourse, consult your healthcare provider.

  • What should I do if I feel too nervous?

    Express your feelings to your partner, take things slowly, and engage in activities that make you relax before starting sex. For example, open communication about your concerns, have fun or romantic talks, watch a romantic movie together, and share warm hugs. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Remember that it's okay to stop, even just for a little while, if you feel any discomfort, uneasiness, or pain.

  • How do I know if I’m ready for sex?

    When you are comfortable and sexually aroused with your partner and physically and mentally feel the need for genital stimulation, you may be ready for sex.

  • Will I have an orgasm?

    You won’t necessarily have an orgasm when you have sex for the first time, and that’s perfectly normal. It may be because you are unaware of your body's sexual stimulation points and need time to know your body and your partner. However, sex without orgasm can still be enjoyable and intimate, so there is nothing to worry about.

  • What is a good age for first sex?

     

    The right age for first sex is highly personal and varies for each individual. It’s important to be emotionally and physically ready, ensure mutual consent, and have open communication with your partner. Legal age of consent varies by location, so be sure to understand the laws in your area as well.

The bottom line

A positive and pleasurable sexual experience requires consent and relaxation from both partners. If you feel nervous, remind yourself that you have the option to stop any time you face discomfort or uneasiness. 

Foreplay and open communication with your partner during the entire process, along with making efforts to understand each other’s concerns or boundaries, are the key elements of a positive sexual experience.

Remember, it’s not important to rush everything all at once, especially when it’s your first time. Taking things gradually will help build an emotional and physical connection with your partner and make your sex even more intimate.

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